I am so stupid.

Really. I am so stupid. For that matter, I can say I am really stupid, which is probably more accurate.

I’ve been reading through the Proverbs (there are so many of them). I tackle a few a day. But the other day I came across Proverbs 12:1 – “He who hates reproof is stupid.”

Immediately I sucked in through my teeth, making that annoying whistling-sucking sound. I hate reproof. I hate being told I’m just a hint of wrong. The last year and a half of marriage has certainly shown me this, among other bits of sin and darkness I create in my life.

When rebuked, or reproofed, or even just asked why I made a bad decision, I may argue back until I am blue in the face. I may come up with some way, reason, or circumstance to base my justification on, trying to prove that I was right.  Even if I admit I’m wrong, I often lie to myself and still believe that I was right. I only admitted to it to end the argument, so I’m obviously the better person in the situation.

I’m sure Tyler is laughing uncontrollably at the office while reading this. That or running around in circles yelling, “Vindication!”

It sounds absolutely crazy, but the idea of being wrong horribly scares me. I build a wall of all the things I love to be right about, so I don’t have to face how wrong and bad and awful I am on a regular basis. Of course, I am often reminded of my badness because the wall I create isn’t real. I like to think it’s real around me, but everyone else just sees right through it.

I also read a few other Proverbs which remind me of the way I respond to others, particularly Tyler.

“Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a nasty temper exalts folly.”
(Just great, Melissa).

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

These words of wisdom expose my true colors. I love a good argument. I think graduate school taught me how to prove my point too well. Even if it’s really not the ultimate right answer, and I know it, I am really good at making my side sound like it might be perfect.

But ultimately, reproof is a good thing. I need a humbleness of spirit and not pride. When I was a child, I remember my mom always saying, “The pride cometh before the fall.” Wise woman.

I’m reminded of The Avett Brothers, and their song:

“When at first I learned to speak, I used all my words to fight with him and her and you and me. But it’s just a waste of time. It’s such a waste of time.”